The Wedding Planner

My friend is getting married with only a six week engagement.

She asked me to be her wedding planner.

I said yes.

I'm glad I can do it.

We're DIYing this wedding and cutting costs using tissue paper pom poms to decorate instead of flowers. The paper arrived just two days after we ordered it and I started working on poms this evening. I've made 15 and have another 500 to make. Give or take.

This month is dedicated to movie parties where I will hold my guests hostage as slave laborers in my tissue paper sweat factory.

Hahahahaha! Try to avoid it -- I will hunt you down!

Three colors of poms. Lots of lights. Photos of the bride and groom. Three chocolate fountains with dark, milk and white chocolate. Fruit infused water.  Simplicity at it's finest.

I'll be posting pictures and keeping you all updated.

This is going to be fun!

As It Should Be

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity enviety not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 
Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

In versions other than the King James Bible, "charity" reads as "love." But that's what charity is. Deep, abiding, true love. This verse is used in a lot of wedding services for the simple beauty and poetry of the words mingled with advice applicable to everyone but particularly to those committed to love each other for ever.

I think it's gorgeous.

During a conversation with a very dear friend this afternoon I asked, as I often do, what helped her to know that her husband was "the one."

She said, "Love is easy."

"If it's complicated or hard, then it isn't love. Not real love."

This resonates with me.

Whenever I think about the possibility of a dating partner I pray. I ask God to help it to be easy because I can't deal with complicated any more. I ask Him to help it come to a natural end soon if it's not meant to last.

And He hears me.

Love should be easy.

I've had people tell me that meeting their significant other was like finding their long-lost best friend, their other half, their one and only. There wasn't an event that let them know, they just knew.

This has always confused me. How can a person just know something? Isn't there some kind of formula by which this thing can be tested scientifically? Shouldn't your choice in life partner be based on something a little more substantial than a visceral reaction fueled by hormones?

Things finally clicked for me today.

Love should be easy.

It should be based on friendship.

And mutual respect.

A shared history; no matter how short that history may be.

Real love is not complicated.

It doesn't come with deadlines.

Or a check list.

It should be natural.

Like breathing.

Or stretching after a long sleep.

It should feel good.

It should be comfortable.

And joyful.

It's easy.

As it should be.

The Day of Love

As a Valentine's tribute I'd like to give a shout out to my main squeezes.

Jamie, Miles, and Allister, I love you!!

It's nice to have some cute nephews to love on and then send back to their parents. :)

Today my eyes were opened to many types of love that surround me. My parents, siblings, and friends are all amazing examples exemplifying love, compassion, and forgiveness. I can't help but to be lifted when I'm surround by people like these.

I love you all and hope that my expressions are noticed. 

Mormon Baseball Metaphor

In college my friends had a little game that roommates and close friends enjoy the benefits of those in love. It involves sharing food when some little progress has been made in your dating relationship. The expense of the food roughly equals the magnitude of the progress.

Like this:

Holding hands -- M&Ms
First kiss -- Ice cream
First make out -- Pizza party
Engagement -- Steak dinner

By the time the engagements started happening my friends were all long past this game. Unfortunately, I've never had occasion to share even a humble plain chocolate M&M with anyone.

*sad face*

Actually, I've saved myself a lot of money and heartache while enjoying plenty of ice cream and pizza parties! Hahahahaha, suckers!

Today, because it is the Week of Love and cupid is buzzing around, I was thinking of the baseball metaphor for gettin' some lovin' and of how it's so confusing for LDS people. Let's face it, if you're living the religion, you don't go past first base!

So I figured I'd revise this metaphor to be pre-marriage-Mormon-friendly.

Here goes:

First base: Hug
Second base: Holding hands
Third base: Kissing!!
Home run: Making out!! (Kissing for an extended period of time.)

Ooh, la, la! With bases like these, we should all hit the cold showers!

In all seriousness, these are things that we celebrate -- mostly in small ways -- because it should mean something. It should be a symbol of mutual respect and admiration.

For that matter, a hug should mean something, too. A symbol of friendship and felicity, a hug is often one of the most comforting gestures.

As a matter of fact, the hug should be added to our little food game. It should be a stick of gum. Because everyone needs gum and everyone needs hugs! And I've given a lot of hugs and gum to people!

Boo-ya! I have finally validated my efforts to get over my personal space bubble -- to hug and be hugged! Plus, I've given/received many sticks of gum.

The Science of Love

I love science! And this little video is the science behind love! Sounds like a match made in heaven. :)

It's interesting to know that there's a reason behind that feeling of invincibility during a crush or the first throws of young love.

This article from azcentral.com highlights some ways which studying love can heal. Since love creates an actual addiction in our brains, a broken heart is actually withdrawals. It may be possible to give someone an external drug to replace that feeling and help with heartache during troubled relationships. Or it might be useful for people with autism who find it difficult to make emotional connections.

In any case, love is pretty cool!

Why I'm Still Single

Preface:
The following is a post I began several months ago. Since it is the Week of Love  around here, I think it would be appropriate to delve back into that deep pool of dating "advice" that I can offer to all of you.

Hahahahaha!

Advice, indeed!

Read on at your own risk; there is little but amusement in my words.

Why I'm Still Single

When single people first meet they go through the 'standard' questions pretty fast: What's your name? Where are you from? What do you do for a living? Where did you go to college?

But what they're really getting at is: Are you available? And if so, why?

Why, indeed.

Was it a recent break up? Here, let me comfort you.

You're too committed to your work/school/hobby? Oh, ok then.

You don't know how to date? Let's work on that together.

You just haven't found someone yet? Let's work on that together. 

You have a cripplingly low sense of self worth and can't see how anyone would ever love you but really hope that someday, someone, somewhere is going to shatter your self-imposed glass ceiling of social limitations and wisk you off on a brave white horse? He he...oh, wait... you're serious. Huh. See ya later!

There are a lot of reasons for people to be single.

It has to do with a serious lack of "another" person because, after all, it does take two to make a pair.

The thing is: every individual has a reason that is so totally individual that it's hard to compartmentalize and pin point exactly why someone is still single.

But this is my blog and since I'm the only individual who contributes to the content, let's delve into the reasons for why I am still single, shall we?

The Question

It takes about three conversations or one encounter with my cooking before a person will work up the nerve to ask me: Why are you still single?! And they usually aren't asking about why the "boyfriend" position is not currently filled -- no, they want the skinny on why the "husband" position is still up for grabs. They ask as though it is unimaginable that I haven't been swept off my feet and carted off into a sunset that banishes singleness only to dawn as a new day of marital bliss.

Apparently I possess communication skills sufficient to recommend me for marriage and cullenary wizardry potent enough to settle the matter.

Geez, if that was all it took I probably would have been a child bride! I was quite precocious at five, which consequently was the age my mother began allowing me to be her sous chef. By eight I had memorized my favorite chocolate cake receipe and would bake at least once a week as long as someone else would lift it from the oven because I was scared of being burned alive.

Actually, I was scared of a lot of things, including child molesters, so I don't think marriage would have suited me in Kindergarten.

By six years old I had regressed socially to the point where talking to another child was difficult and communicating with an adult was nearly impossible. Yes, I can carry on a conversation now that seems some-what intelligent but it has taken me years and years to be at all comfortable talking to a person I don't know well. In fact, it takes me about six months before I really start to open up. Most people give up after six days.

Not that I blame anyone for eschewing my company except to nibble on confections and share a few thoughts. While I think that I am delightful, it's understandable that some people hate sugar and loathe spice. Those types and I are better off in seperate social spheres anyway.

The Intimidation Factor 

Since this . . . issue. . . has been brought up many, many times in the years following my sixteenth birthday I'll give it some consideration here. When some cute young thang is sitting at home every friday night wondering when her daddy is going to live up to his promise to dissuade hordes of suiters with the help of a very large stick she sometimes turns the eye inward for a bit of introspective detective work. When that fails to provide satisfactory answers she begins to ask those who know her well. When they tell her that she intimidates boys because she's too amazing she goes in her room and cries it off. Who wants to be told that they are more than sufficent and thereby undesirable?

The thing is: I don't buy it.

 The last time someone made a point of telling me how intimidating I am it quickly became evident that he suffered some emotional damage from others and was still healing. Pointing out my flaws -- real or imagined -- made it easier to forgo commitment.

I am a strong woman. I have goals and plans to achieve them. I have many accomplishments. I will not be made ashamed of who and what I am. I will not apologize or be made to act less than my potential dictates.

If this is intimidating, then please man up and talk to me once you've gone through puberty of the brain.

The Dismissive Attitude

The last time my grandmother visited she gave me a garnet ring and made a observation: You're dismissive to the young men.

The ring was because we shared the same birth month and because I was one of her favorites.

The observation made me cry.

Heavy sobs that tore at my heart until my temples throbbed.

She was right and I hated to admit how dismissive I had been. I wear the ring as a reminder to try and give the young men a chance. 

While it doesn't negate the fact that I have been very guilty of not giving men a fair chance, I do have good reason for behaving in a dismissive manner.

I learned the hard way that unrequited love is the easiest type because it really only takes one. And no matter how devoted that one tries to be, it will not make up for lack of interest from the other.

So, without meaning to, I learned to settle. I learned to love from a distance and in my imagination. I learned to find gratification in masochistic heart break.



This vein of undesirable self discovery has led me to be far more patient with men and women alike and to make opportunities for others to get to know me and take advantages of opportunities to show my friendly side. I genuinely love to hear a person's history, thoughts, and dreams. Instead of self-consciously waiting for a Prince Charming to approach me and then focusing on why it won't ever work, I try to be as cheerful and content as possible while branching out and making friends.   This has influenced the way that I date and form attachments.

So, Why Am I Still Single?

While there is still more to the equation the simple answer is, "I don't know." But know that I've changed a lot because I've thought of why and what can be fixed and what must simply be accepted.

I used to think that I didn't have to worry about falling in love. It would just happen one day. Like waking up and realizing that I'd grown up, I'd simply be in love and know him when I saw him. It all seemed terribly romantic. Love at first site followed by eternal fidelity without a second thought.

What has become quite evident is that all relationships take hard work, tenacity, and forgiveness. I guess I'm waiting to find someone patient enough to get to know me slowly, build a history with me and fall gently into love.

And that, my friends, takes time.

First Observe, Then Serve

Last week was full of surprises that kept me on my toes. Late on Saturday night I was talking to friends as a party I had hosted started to wind down. During the course of the conversation it was brought to my rememberance that I has committed to giving a talk in Sacrament meeting during church the next morning.  It's been some time since I was asked to give a 15 to 20 minute talk and I was a little excited to be asked. Even having forgotten my commitment, this didn't bother me much. I had been asked to give my thoughts on a specific talk given during the most recent biannual General Conference -- all I needed to do was summarize the talk and add my own thoughts.

Waking early Sunday morning to prepare my talk, I was struck to do two things: write everything out and share stories about my brother, Adam. This was a little unusal. I typically jot down some notes and write out quotes but mostly just speak my mind. And I usually leave thoughts of Adam to be shared with close friends.

After giving this talk and hearing the responses from those in my ward, I feel that there are reasons I needed to write it all out and speak of Adam. I needed to share these thoughts here and I needed to be reminded of my brother. So here it is, the talk that has stirred the emotional pot and brought me back to my blog again - hopefully for good this time.

In June of 2003 my family went through one of the most difficult things a family can go through. My mom and my brother, Adam who was 11 at the time, were driving home to Erda on the lonely stretch of Utah road between Ibapah and Wendover. It was really the back end of nowhere. Something happened and the car rolled six times. Every time it flipped it landed on the passenger side. My mom suffered a few minor scrapes and bruises. Adam didn't make it. In the days that followed we witnessed many miracles. Our ward had split about six months before so when this happened we had the benefit of two wards coming to our aid. I felt the power of the Holy Ghost more strongly than I thought possible. I literally felt the power of prayer as so many families headed the teachings of Christ when he said to mourn with those who mourn. There were a lot of meals, hugs, and tears shared but one act of service has lodged in my heart forever. After a visit of condolence our neighbor, Danny Idom, noticed that our yard hadn't been attended to. He came back early the next morning and without knocking on the door or saying anything proceeded to mow the lawn, weed flower beds and set everything right. He saw a need that we couldn't fulfill at that time and he gave us his efforts to fill it. Danny internalized and heeded the Lord's teaching found in John 15: 12.

“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.”

Relief Society General President Linda K. Burton summarized this commandment in four words easy to remember: she said to First Observe, Then Serve.

Sister Burton shared a story that illustrated this point.

Almost 40 years ago my husband and I went to the temple for our Friday night date. We had been married only a short time, and I was nervous because this was only my second time as a newlywed. A sister sitting next to me must have noticed. She leaned over and whispered reverently, “Don’t worry. I’ll help you.” My fears were calmed, and I was able to enjoy the rest of the temple session. She first observed, then served.

Sister Burton urges us to listen to the Prophet. She said:

One of the greatest evidences we have that our beloved prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, is the Lord’s chosen servant is that he has learned to follow the Savior’s example—serving individually, one by one. Those of us who have entered the waters of baptism have covenanted to do the same. We have covenanted to “always remember [the Savior] and keep his commandments,”1 and He has said, “This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.”
Notice how the following words from President Monson include the same invitation: “We are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness. … We are the Lord’s hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children. He is dependent upon each of us.”

First Observe, Then Serve

Adam was always a high strung individual. He was excitable and sometimes quite irrational. Growing up we always had a family project that took up most of the summer. These were not fun. It was always hard work. Because of these projects I can lay and finish drywall. I know the basics of building construction, how solar panels work, how to stuff a circuit board, make a phone cord, and run a small business. I also know how rural sewage systems work with a septic tank and drainage fields. I know this because one infamous summer we had to redo the system in our back yard. Adam complained all the time about the work and would refuse to help so one day we locked him in the gardener’s shed. He screamed and fussed until we let him out. After that, whenever he complained we hinted that a trip to the shed might be in order and he straightened out. It was around the same time that I learned an important lesson with Adam. When he started going into a fit complaining that it was unfair to ask him to do a chore I would take him aside, wrap him in my arms and hold him until he calmed down. I would then explain that we all needed to work together and he needed to contribute to family effort. After a time of gentle words and soothing he would meekly go and fulfill what had been asked of him. I saw through the Saviors eyes a young man who just needed a little understanding – to be heard and loved for a minute – and I was able to serve him by giving him my time and a calming embrace. I taught my mom this technique with Adam and she used it frequently. Since he passed away this memory has given me great comfort. I know that Adam felt my love for him. I observed and served my brother in a crucial time in his short life.

Brothers and Sisters, it is not enough to theoretically love others. You must show that love, that caring, that charity as Christ would. By serving the individual we truly do as President Monson encouraged:

“We are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness. … We are the Lord’s hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children. He is dependent upon each of us."  

Who around you is in need of help? Who needs some small kindness? Who needs a listening ear, a gentle hug, a sweet word of encouragement? When you recognize a need it is a prompting by the Holy Ghost to act, to serve, to be the Lord's hands. Do not let the moment pass, but act. When you first observe, then serve.

Sister Burton related another time recently when she was prompted to go to the temple. She said:

A few weeks ago, I was hurried and frazzled, with too many to-dos on my list. I had hoped to go to the temple that day but felt I was just too busy. As soon as that thought of being too busy for temple service crossed my mind, it awakened me to what I most needed to do. I left my office to walk over to the Salt Lake Temple, wondering when I was going to recapture the time I was losing. Thankfully, the Lord is patient and merciful and taught me a beautiful lesson that day.
As I sat down in the session room, a young sister leaned over and reverently whispered, “I’m really nervous. This is only my second time in the temple. Could you please help me?” How could she ever have known that those words were exactly what I needed to hear? She didn’t know, but Heavenly Father knew. He had observed my greatest need. I needed to serve. He prompted this humble young sister to serve me by inviting me to serve her. I assure you that I was the one who benefited most.

After Adam passed away my dad wrote a pamphlet on how to respond to the grief of others as we remembered the helpful service of our friends and neighbors. Among the helpful tips he relates a piece of advice that is applicable in all times of life. Do not say, “If there's anything I can do for you, just ask.” Instead, just act. Danny Idom saw our lawn was a mess and came over to mow, trim and weed. A kind sister saw Sister Burton's need for help in the temple. I saw my brother's need for understanding. Don't leave your service until someone is pleading for your help. If you see a need, find a way to fill it. This does not mean that you must take on the burdens of the world. There are many things that cannot be fixed by one person. Strive to be receptive to the Spirit in your home, your ward, your community. Don't wait for a service project or for an assignment. Become friends with those you home or visit teach. Learn to be the Lord's hands in the lives of others as they are His hands in your life.

First Observe, Then Serve

I've been thinking a lot about the importance of getting to know others. Of reaching out and becoming familiar with all sorts of people so as to recognize when things are a little off. Of knowing  when to step up and help out.

This week two members of neighborhood passed away. It was amazing to attend the first funeral and see how well everything worked because there was a plan that just needed to be set into motion. I can't remember much of Adam's funeral. I remember the important parts. But don't ask me who set up chairs, brought food, or gave us hugs. Those things all just sort of happened. Someone else knew what was needed and served my family in specific ways that total strangers couldn't have.

I think right now I'm going to start small by grooming my thoughts into more charitable ones than I'm naturally inclined to have. I'm going to work on being more kind to my family. I'm going to be more available to help when others really are begging for aid. Once I've mastered the little things then maybe I can move on to the bigger issues of humanity. Maybe.