Eventful

This weekend has been chocked full of *things* -- lots going on!

-- We almost gave up the van to get a brand-spanking new Prius . . . but then the deal fell through when the dealership wouldn't budge a bit on the price after inflating it with crazy stuff and charging extra. So now I have the van back. (I'm sort of glad because I've never driven a brand new vehicle and I find the thought intimidating. Not only that, but, I need the van to transport things for Camp Kesem in TWO WEEKS! *eek!*)

-- Got hit on by a teenager at Sonic's at midnight.

-- I was invited on a float trip in the Provo River and ended up with a touch of hypothermia, heat stroke, a really bad sunburn, and ants in my pants to do it again! (Planning on doing it in September :-)

-- Tried to go to a party by the lake and ended up lost two or three times, stuck between parked cars two or three times, and was called a bad name. The party was lame and I was in pain so we drove off before it finally came to an end.

-- Went to the Weeping Elm in down-town Provo at 1am.

-- Became privy to the existance of the rockn' nightlife of Provo teens in the Big Lots parking lot at 2am.

-- Nearly stole from Wal-Mart. (I went back and paid for it, I promise.)

-- Spent more than $200 on Oriental Trading stuff for Camp Kesem. :-P

-- Tried to sleep in and failed. . . twice.

-- Decided it was easier to love everyone in the world and laugh at myself than get upset while in a tight space.

Yellow daisies in a warm meadow
Covered by the brilliant sun
Sleeping in the cool, green clover
Loving the world
Everyone in the world
Without difficulty

Hot and Twenty-two

My job often gives me the opportunity to meet people from all over the United States. In June I had the pleasure of meeting an entertaining group of cops from the South.

They took up bets guessing my age and pestered me to tell how old I am until I gave in. Upon discovering the truth they confessed that they thought I was anywhere from 19 to 24.

Not bad.

One gentleman exclaimed, "Oooh-whee! You're hot and twenty-two, mmmmm-hmmmm!"

It was then insisted upon that I take photos with the group so they could remember the fun we had.

Made my day when it happened and makes me smile to think of it.


Twenty Two
January 20, 2009

I am twenty two and so solitarily single it is a shame
This is the year for self renovation, to tear down the old in favor of the new
And really reach the sleeping potential I have always carried inside
This is the year to finally experience what it is to be alive
To live in the moment, to choose kindness in favor of being brash
To partake, but not to excess, to look but not to stare
Or, perhaps I will stare and invite a stare in return

I am twenty two and terrifyingly tempting
To the point that all young men cover their slavering tongues
And run for shame of their own naked desires
Or so I must conclude, for there are none beside me
Perhaps it is not my beauty that frightens them away
But my boldness, gentleness, tactlessness, wit and humility
My endless talents and talentless ends

I am twenty two and quite at odds with the world
Help the children, save the earth, limit preservatives
Stay up late and paint the moon a million shades
Brighter than its own natural, illuminatory pale
And never regret a moment of happiness
A moment of sadness, ecstasy, or despair
Because I am twenty two and I know myself.

25 Things About Yours Truely

This is something I put together some time ago in response to a Facebook craze. I generally abstain from Facebook crazes (I started Facebooking back when only college students could get accounts and it was just a networking site for sharing photos and sending quick messages; before superpoke, before advertisements, and way before the crazy applications). This one, however, reached out to me after I partook in the fruits of my friends's labor and lives and loves. So, here it is: 25 things about me taken directly from my Facebook notes.

1. Nearly none of my socks are just “white.” I have socks for nearly every holiday as well as just some plain old randomly decorated socks. My least favorite are the kissing snowmen socks – I think I got rid of them. My favorite are the fall leaves socks.
2. My favorite season is autumn.
3. I love the smell and sound of crunchy leaves.
4. I love the way the wind feels.
5. Halloween is my favorite because it’s the one night of the year when pumpkins rule and you can dress up as anything you have ever wanted to be. Plus, free candy from strangers – how cool is that?!
6. I write poems when sad or angry or in a goofy mood so all of my poetry is kind of weird.
7. I have wanted to be a doctor ever since I can remember – literally. I can remember being three and asking my mom where food goes once it’s swallowed and being completely fascinated by her explanation.
8. I stopped smiling when I was ten and had to learn how again when I was 16.
9. I was so painfully shy through high school that I was always surprised when anyone spoke to me because I thought that I had actually achieved invisibility. I’m still caught off guard a lot of times when people remember me and talk to me.
10. Scary movies really freak me out and I refuse to watch them because I know that I will scream or freak out in the middle.
11. I talk during movies. And TV shows.
12. I love music, nothing can move me quite as much as a rock song with a really good strings sequence.
13. Cooking for an audience is one of my very most favorite things to do. I own three aprons.
14. I have never “dated” anyone and at 22 I am VL. It’s my assumption that the first guy I allow to get that close will be the one I hold onto forever, but maybe that’s just the romantic in me talking gibberish.
15. I drive a 15 passenger van everywhere.
16. It is my dream to one day ride a giant Galapagos tortoise in the Galapagos.
17. My eyes change color when I’m angry, sad, or wear green.
18. I am an undeniable romantic in every way. It’s almost debilitating. I cry in movies when something sweet is said or done and I cry when I hear how someone proposed and I cry when I see wedding photos – it’s all so beautiful and happy.
19. My favorite color and food changes almost daily but my favorite gum has been Orbit’s Sweet Mint for a very long time now.
20. I am allergic to scents. I have to put perfume in my hair or on my clothes instead of on my skin because it makes me break into rash immediately that itches and burns at the same time. I have had to forgo using scented laundry detergent and softener as well as most lotions and body washes.
21. Nothing in the world could ever smell as sweet as the air after summer rain.
22. My favorite flowers are lilacs, gardenias, and roses.
23. My dad thinks it’s weird that I like spending time with cadavers. My anatomy students think it’s weird that I will hold a brain with no problem but if I see a hair on a cadaver or specimen that is not supposed to be there I freak and get all grossed out.
24. When I was little I didn’t know what color my hair was because it has brown, blonde and red in it so I used to call it “rainbow” hair.
25. I am utterly terrified of poisonous spiders. Whenever I see a black widow or brown recluse I get so scared I cry and can’t move. This is a pretty sad affliction seeing as how we have lots of black widows around my house and my brothers think it’s funny to chase me with them.

For Sale

So, we are really going to do it! Raising money for Camp Kesem has been a big challenge this year. Most of our donations come from writing letters to friends and family but this year we have been down on our luck with insufficient funds. To help us raise money during the last month before camp we will be hosting a date auction. I will be participating.

Basically, the other "contestents" and my self will parade around looking hott and bids will be placed on an article of clothing or jewelery we own. Once the bidding is over and the donations have been collected, we will proceed to go on our blind date and hopefully end get a bit of cash for our beloved Kesemites.

I'm really excited!

After considerable experience (acquired via the vast majority of my dating exposure) I am exeptional at first dates, especially blind first dates. I've got this one in the bag. I will look good, be a great listener, and have a positive outlook. I'm really excited!

New Day Dawning

Gold light of morning filters through a crack in the wall.
Dust dances on the liquid shaft of light and I smile.
In my mind, a million miles away, I am happy.
In my mind, right here, I dance in the golden rays of the sun.
And I smile.
I’ve left behind the life I did not love and in its place I can replace my special place of golden light where dust dances on air and I am happy in my mind with my past far behind, a million miles behind.
Ahead of me is only air. The air I breathe; in and out with the happy rhythm of blood pumping through my veins from my heart. I can see my heart dance under my skin as I lay here – still and quiet, focused only on the air going in and out of me; becoming part of me.
With my beating heart to set the tempo, I dance the dance of youth and sing the song of life. I was born with this song and although I will not always dance, I will die with this song still resonating with the beat of my heart until that, like my youth, fades into oblivion.
Gold light changes with the morning, turning white -- but not less pure. The day progresses, as days do, when all of a sudden it is night and my mind drifts into oblivion.
New day dawning gives me hope. Today is a day for living and leaving the past behind – a million miles behind – and loving every heartbeat.
So I smile.

Dreams don't have to disappear when you wake up, you just have to see them with your waking eyes.

Life is fluid. When you find something you love, it surges inside your heart for the breifest moment and then dies out as quickly as it came like the brilliance of a shooting star. When you find something to detest, however, the bitterness lingers far longer than the actual event. Why is that? Why can we not hold on to happiness longer than bitterness. Why does the sweet subside when the hurt remains? I'd like to be an optimistic person. I strive toward that end. But when disappointment for time ill spend builds up and surges in a tidal wave of grief over what might have been. . .

The last four years of my life has been spend chasing a dream I had when I was very small -- in two ways actually. Dream one: When I first realized what physicians were and what medicine was I declaired that I wanted to be a doctor! Dream two: I've always thought that I would recognize my future husband from a literal dream I had when I was eight years old.

Dream one: I've worked very hard to succeed in school but am dubious as to how well qualified I am for medical school. To be honest, I'm a little burned out with school and have been for two very long years. But, true to my head-strong nature, I have never once given up on my dream or even on a class. Even when I know that I will need to re-take a class, I put my all into it the first time and chase miracles like they are butterflies in a green meadow. And, just like catching butterflies, I sometimes manage to hold a miricle for a brief moment only to discover that I have crushed its delicate frame in my haste and am forced to discard it. I will never give up, but I do need to take my time and make sure to move carefully toward my destination. I also need to accept that there are countless paths I can take that lead to the same goal. I'm going to begin looking around.

Dream two: I have a blind spot for eligable men. I tend to notice only the guys who are taken. Let me explain; men who are loved by woman and are sure of that love are confident and generous and therefore catch my eye much more often than men who merely hope to be loved. Perhaps its the same for women and that's why I am often overlooked; a wallflower or a shadow in the room. I have come to realize, painfully, that there is no such thing as love at first sight. Love, not some romantic burst of infatuation, only comes to those who carefully plant it in their hearts and cultivate it over time. Love is sharing a history with someone, knowing their past and accepting that they have made individual choices and will continue to do so. I cannot hold onto a dream of a man who existed only in my mind. I will never be happy if I try to place any potential prospect into the tiny mold I have been carrying in my heart. He will invariably be so much more than I can anticipate.

I will not alow my past to dictate my future.
I will accept that every silver lining needs a stormcloud and then get over it.
I will be true to my nature and keep trying even when every indication points to failure because I haven't failed yet.

love

Last night as I pulled out of my work parking lot to transverse the wide, empty sage-plain of Dugway where wild horses and antelope play I marveled at the sky. It was overcast and wind pushed the clouds overhead at a fantastic speed. I was hungry, tired, and very glad to be heading into my three-day weekend. (Every week has a three day weekend because we work 10 hour days and most people commute at least 2-3 hours a day.) As I drove the dusty path all of my suppressed thoughts about the day bubbled up to the surface and demanded attention.

So I called my little brother.

Bill graduated Wednesday night and went off to a late grad party at the high school. He must have picked up friends because he borrowed the 15 passenger family van that I usually drive. I know this because as I was leaving for work, at the brisk hour of 5:30am, my gas tank was full instead of half empty. My heart was full too. It really made my day. :-)

Next on my list of consideration was the *enormous* cow I saw on my drive to work. Coming up on it I noticed an entire herd of cows grazing by the side of the road. This was nothing new but I slowed down anyway so as not to startle the cows when I passed. Then, in the middle of road, I noticed a black mountain of flesh. A huge, unlucky cow was sprawled out in the middle of road. Its body spanned an entire lane and its head was resting at least 12 inches into the other lane; its tongue lolling, its massive chest having fallen for the last time. I'm not sure if it was the victim of a hit and run, a drive-by, or if it simply decided to expire in the middle of the rural highway but it was seriously hogging the road.

I considered getting out and shifting it off to the side of the road but then I remembered two things: super-human strength is not one of my mutations and I wouldn't get to wash my hands until I arrived at my office about 30 minutes from that point. So, I did what any other regular, sanitary person would do: I drove by and avoided running over its head.

Dearly beloved. We gather together this fine summer mooo-rning to moooo-rn the loss of Bessy Heifer who lived big and loved big. May she rest in peace amongst the sweet grass of the heavens. Amen.

The thought of driving two hours back to Provo was not very appealing and with love on my mind I decided to head home to Erda instead. Passing through Tooele on the way it was only natural to pay Adam a visit. It's been nearly two years since I've made that stop. Every time the thought enters my mind something else always takes its place.

"Why stop there when I am always with you?"

Adam has many more neighbors compared to the last time I saw that plot of green grass. His headstone is weather-worn and only a few of the coins we left as "tips" have endured. Although it was only a brief visit, it was long enough to conjure up the presence of my baby brother who "Returned with Honor."