Which one do you like best?

Utah's state flower is the sego lily.

This is a photo that my dear friend Tasha took last June in Zions National Park. I got a shot from a different angle, but I liked hers best so I edited it and gave these two versions as gifts. (That was before I realized that they were not actually my photos, but a group set we had all shared after our trip.)

Which one do you like best?

Fear

There are times when confrontation of something frightening is the only option.

Lists could be drawn up from here to moon filled with things that make me anxious, afraid, nervous, or uncomfortable. Real things that have a serious impact on my life. Don't be surprised, many of the things on my lists are probably on yours and Jim-Bob's, over there.

Fear of rejection. Fear of physical, emotional, social, or spiritual pain. Fear of being alone. Fear of hurting someone else physically, emotionally, socially, or spiritually. Fear of nasty spiders. Fear of losing a friend. Fear of not quite meeting the potential of which I ought to be capable. Fear of the unknown.

I've done several things in the last 48 hours that have scared me.

Like, a lot.

And you know what?

I'm still alive.

In fact, I'm more alive now than I was 48 hours ago. This is because in chipping away at some of my deepest set fears, a little bit of Light has been let in and I can see why these things terrify. I can also see the beauty behind the fear. Respect replaces trepidation.

Just a little.

The best part is: everything turned out better than could be imagined. New avenues for growth and understanding have been opened.

Just a little.

While my lists of aversions is still quite lengthy and detailed -- because that's the sort of person I am -- it may be that I am learning to have a sort of courage about accepting that they exist and probably always will.

There are some things that I never want to be complacent over.

Story time!

Working in a plasma center provides a seemingly endless stream of interesting people and opportunities for things to mess up or otherwise go wrong.

On Saturday it felt as though we were on the downswing of Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

I was involved in a particularly hairy operation that left me doubting my capabilities just a tad.

Moving on to the next person, trying to clear my head a little, my genial greeting was met with a startlingly negative response. The gentleman in the bed physically recoiled from me and declared in no uncertian terms that I was not to touch him. Backing off immediately, I found the next person on the list and continued with my duties. However, this affected me quite deeply and I had a difficult time even looking in the region of that particular donor.

It just so happened that I was the only unoccupied phlebotomist available when that man needed to be disconnected. I moved slowly, trying to will someone else to respond before me, but to no avail. My number was up. I sighed and walked over to the bed with great trepidation, sure that this man hated me forever and always.

Timidly, I inquired whether it would alright for me to do the procedure. 

I wasn't exactly pleased when he told me it would ok. Five whole minutes with the guy didn't really seem like a reward. A negative resonse, like his first, would probably have been more welcome, in fact.

As I began diconnecting the man from his plasma machine, he elaborated on his initial response to me. He had just suffered through two terrible infiltrations and painful bruises the previous week. There was no way he wanted a newbie like me taking a stab at it. Literally. He went on to share several stories from his life, even showing me a scar on his shoulder from a motorcycle accident. We parted on good terms and as he left I realized that the those five minutes were probably the most valuable of my day.

I can do hard things.

Plain White T's - Rhythm Of Love

In Our Lovely Deseret – BYU Version

 I wrote this little parody as a freshman living in Desert Towers -- DT -- at BYU. All of my friends would hang out after our carefully planned and executed themed group dates until the RAs kicked the boys out as the dorm was locked up for the night. As the months turned chilly, we got smart and had electric kettles boiling water for hot chocolate before midnight so we could all enjoy a warm drink when we were saying our long good byes outside. It became a bit of a tradition.

One night during finals week, I was avoiding my studies by skimming through our picture ward directory. Next thing you know I was making a list and connecting the dots. More than half our ward were dating each other! 

Thus a parody was born! 

I managed to get a few friends to sing it with me at a ward prayer including guitar accompaniment. News of spread through the ranks of stake bishops and many copies were requested. There were even rumors of people wanting to perform the song for a stake function the following year. Nothing came to fruition, but it is sort of thrilling to remember how popular my little ditty became for a very brief moment.

Oh, the cleverness of me!   

Enjoy

(The pictures were ones I drew in Microsoft Paint during freshman year to illustrate a poem about asking girls to free stake dances.)

In our lovely Deseret

Where our ward was formed and met

There’s a multitude of dating all around

Young men are handsome and brave

Part their hair and always shave

They must listen and obey the Bishop’s sound:

CHORUS:

Hark! Hark! Hark! The Bishop tells us,

Go on dates this Friday night

But be careful to be sure

For your missions please stay pure

While you date, you will prepare to preach the light

Men should not forget to pay

Open doors without delay

And their eyes to train and lusty passions bind

They should always be polite

And treat every lady right

And in every place be affable and kind

CHORUS

Some advice for all you girls

Trying on the lace and pearls

Ladies do your part to keep the young men pure

Pay attention to your dress

Wearing more and never less

Search for men who know the Lord and will endure

 CHORUS

At Brigham Young University

Dates don’t have to have a fee

Free stake dances and board games will do alright

Drink some cocoa to keep warm

While you’re locked outside your dorm

Give a handshake or a hug to close the night

CHORUS

Words.

Sometimes I like to pretend to be wise.

Occasionally I like to pontificate just to hear my own voice say smart-ish things.

Every once in a while I believe that I am capable of big thoughts with big words.

But most of the time I'm just tongue-tied.

At loss for words.

With a need to ruminate before attempting response.

And a tall glass of water.

To cure inevitable cotton-mouth.

Doll

Lucy: Zarah, with your eyes all big you look like a doll.

Zarah: Pull my string and I talk.

Lucy: (Pulls imaginary string.)

Zarah: Get away from me, you creep!

Lucy: Hahahahahahaha!



Nearly every Halloween from the time I was about three to nine years old, I dressed up as a porcelain doll. Mostly because I wanted one of my own, but also because I actually looked like a doll. Big hazel eyes, pale skin, a natural blush, and little cherry lips. I'd curl my hair and put on a frilly dress as the costume.

Voila! I was a porcelain doll!

These days, even if I still look like a doll, I'm a lot less breakable.

Turning on the Charm

Working in a plasma center has been an unexpected boost to my self esteem. Roughly 79% of our donors are men and most of them are middle aged. I smile and say witty things so they won't be nervous about a newbie poking sharp metal under their skin. They remark on how nice I am and go out of their way to talk to me the next time they come in to donate.


By now I recognize most of the regulars and they know to expect a bit of fluff conversation in passing whenever I check their machine or work with them. I have a system and it works for me. I am liked.


Every once in a while I'll make a special impression and someone will be sure to remark on my "pretty eyes" or call me "sweetheart" or "beautiful" but mostly they just light up when I smile at them.


I think it's good fun.


As long as I don't develop any stalkers.


Which could happen.

*shudder*