Single Lessons Come One at a Time

You know how things feel pretty great and life can just be put on cruise control and allowed to coast on by -- but then you hit a hill and start to loose momentum?

Today is a hill day.

It's been coming for up for a while. Things were just too happy. Too care-free. Too many good things in a row. Not to say that today was any less wonderful or awful than normal. In fact it was exactly like every day for the last several days in a row. But today it felt like all of the stress and exhaustion settled in. Today it felt like doing anything was five times harder because I'm on an incline and slowing down. Today I felt like I used to feel all the time. Before I learned how to live better.

Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will conquer this hill. Tomorrow I will start coasting downhill.

But tonight I want to share a little of what can be learned by being on the hard side of attitude adjustments.

 During the preamble to a pity party I decided to check in with a friend. We had some things to go over for this weekend and eventually our conversation drifted past the niceties that clothe insecurities and dove right into the gooey stuff.

It seems that some of my deepest insecurities have been prodded at with sharp, pointy sticks while associated dreams seem too far for realization, yet on the cusp of possibility. It's aggravating and hurtful, and lonely -- with just enough hopefulness to make me weep from helplessness. When well-wishers express the validity and purity of my dreams and say that I "deserve" to hold them, I feel smaller under the weight of their endorsement while simultaneously being buoyed their hope in me. Their hope that I can do something big. Something bigger than I've ever done.

That's when I remember: the Lord has given my dreams purpose and confirmed that they are worthy to be held. And that makes me feel responsible. Every choice counts. Timing is imperative, but not at all in my hands. My actions count, but so do those of others. I cannot hope to do this on my own. I need help.

That's when I feel small.

That's when I remember: the Lord has helped me before to do things I thought I could not do. He has made things possible I never thought could be. He has been gentle with me.

When I reflect on relationships that almost happened I am glad that they did not. I have been sheltered from more heartache and disappointment than I have suffered under the shadow of loneliness. I am stronger on my own  and more compassionate to those who struggle.

Tonight my friend complimented me. She said that while I may not be patient with myself, I have learned patience for others. While I may be aware of my sorrows, I am also aware of how they shape me into the Lord's understanding my potential. While I may curse my ill timing, I foster hope for what is to come in the Lord's timing.

She shared her trials with me and as she wept I realized that our suffering is the same. Every feeling of helpless inadequacy and hopeful yearning exists in both of us; only the nouns differ. That's when I realized: the Lord sees us all like this. Suffering is universal. The only way out is to be lifted above ourselves and see our fellow beings with clarity and compassion. I have been where you are, you will be where I am, we are here together.

Today is a hill day.

Maybe I won't make it to the top by tomorrow but I sure will try. I will enjoy feeling wind on my face at the peak.

Valentine's 2012

A week later and the love is still fresh! Enjoy!

Gotye Somebody That I Used To Know

I think most people have a few people that they used to know.

I think most people have someone who ought to be left for good.

I think it hurts either way.

I think it is liberating, too.

Can't win for losing.

Bouquet Toss

Good Sabbath!

Sunday is an awesome day to reflect on the past week. Or month. Or year. Or anything that needs to be reflected upon.

Last night I attended a wedding for a dear friend and before very long all the single ladies were called up to try their luck at catching the coveted bouquet. I stood there, anxiously waiting for the beautiful bride to hurl her heavy floral arrangement into the crowd, just one of many more or less willing to try for a clean catch. Girls nervously shifted from side to side and looked embarrassed to be numbered among the unmarried. One woman brazenly turned her ring around so as to declare herself un-engaged just to join in the fun. Even the little girls fidgeted in front and wondered if they would be lucky.

As these things usually go, I choose the side opposite of the bride's pitch and don't even put up my useless hands for an attempt. Who needs a wedding bouquet, anyway?

Ah. The moment of truth. With the flowers hurdling through space and some quick estimates in the physics of botanical gravity, I realized that the bouquet was headed right for me! My numb hands sprung up... and grasped the arrangement!

Sweet victory!  It was finally my turn! I didn't have to be single forever!

A moment later it dawned on me that I was not the only one with hold of the coveted blooms. The engaged woman had the flowers by the stems. I had merely grabbed at some petals. As I released, a large section of rose heads fell to the ground. Little girls ran underfoot to collect several of the flowers I had ripped out and seemed quite pleased with themselves.  The engaged woman looked very smug, indeed.

Ah, well. Back to being alone.

On my drive home I was reflecting on the events of this wedding and another where I happened to end up with the bouquet.

In that wedding the bride and lobbed her flowers into a bush I happened to be standing near so I just picked them up. The bride's niece was so upset that she hadn't caught the flowers (it was her one goal for the entire event) and sat crying on the sidelines, beside herself with grief of lost possibility.

So, I gave her the flowers.

Her face beamed and the rest of the festivities were magical for her because of that pile of fragrant blooms.

I began to wonder what why such a tradition has endured. Why brides lob floral arrangements at their guests? And why does the groom remove an intimate article of his bride's wardrobe to slingshot at other men?

So I did some research.

It all comes down to luck. A bride is supposed to be very lucky. After all, she did snag a husband to take care of her and thus avoid the trials and persecution of spinsterhood. The flowers were a way to share this luck with the guests. The garter was a way to avoid greedy guests tearing off chunks of the bride's clothing to take home as lucky souvenirs.

Still, it is a little silly.

I mean, people start fights over these things!

But not me.

I just hand them over and wish the luck on someone else.

Maybe that's why I'm still single.

It's hard to say.

Thursday Thought no. 3

My marital status in a nutshell:
Single.

But not lonely. I really do think it's ok to be alone for a bit. Helps a body to feel self sufficient. Helps a soul to rely on God more than man. Or lots of men. Or back to even just one man. There's no point in worrying about marital status. Even as a Mormon chick whose friends are mostly all married and working on families. My life plan is not the same as my friends' life plans. I am not them. I am me. I am enjoying being single. I am enjoying being independent. My soul is enjoying enlightenment. And there's nothing anyone can say that will change my mind.
For now.

Thursday Thought no. 2

Winter in a nutshell:
Cool.

Literally. It is soooo cool! But not really cold this year. We've only had a handful of days since November that have been cold enough to make nose hairs stick together. You know it's really cold when your nose hairs not only stick together but form tiny snot-cicles as you breath. Now, that's cold. I grew up in Quincy, IL, on the Mississippi River. It got cold there. We used to go shoe skating in puddles of ice that formed between the tracks of a runaway train stop. Wind chill from the humid air would make cold into soooo cold. When it was soooo cold the ice in the air would cut your skin and make it burn. When it's cold enough to burn you know it's really cold.
But in Utah, it's just soooo cool. And cool makes good powder in the mountains.

Thursday Thought no. 1

My life in a nutshell:
Awesome!

For instance: I get to play with a volunteer orchestra. This is my third partial season with the group. They let me play even though I sort of stink it up and ghost more than half of most songs. They let me come back for partial seasons. I have a place. There is no audition. I will never have to solo. I'm a better violinist than I was when I began playing with them in 2009. I'm a better violinist than when I was 18, vice president of my high school orchestra, president of an extra curricular strings ensemble, and practiced daily. I think this is because I have more confidence in myself as a human being. I think this is awesome. I think my life is awesome right now.