Poetry and musings of a zany Mormon girl who is very proud of her Erda roots.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

New Day Dawning

Gold light of morning filters through a crack in the wall.
Dust dances on the liquid shaft of light and I smile.
In my mind, a million miles away, I am happy.
In my mind, right here, I dance in the golden rays of the sun.
And I smile.
I’ve left behind the life I did not love and in its place I can replace my special place of golden light where dust dances on air and I am happy in my mind with my past far behind, a million miles behind.
Ahead of me is only air. The air I breathe; in and out with the happy rhythm of blood pumping through my veins from my heart. I can see my heart dance under my skin as I lay here – still and quiet, focused only on the air going in and out of me; becoming part of me.
With my beating heart to set the tempo, I dance the dance of youth and sing the song of life. I was born with this song and although I will not always dance, I will die with this song still resonating with the beat of my heart until that, like my youth, fades into oblivion.
Gold light changes with the morning, turning white -- but not less pure. The day progresses, as days do, when all of a sudden it is night and my mind drifts into oblivion.
New day dawning gives me hope. Today is a day for living and leaving the past behind – a million miles behind – and loving every heartbeat.
So I smile.

Dreams don't have to disappear when you wake up, you just have to see them with your waking eyes.

Life is fluid. When you find something you love, it surges inside your heart for the breifest moment and then dies out as quickly as it came like the brilliance of a shooting star. When you find something to detest, however, the bitterness lingers far longer than the actual event. Why is that? Why can we not hold on to happiness longer than bitterness. Why does the sweet subside when the hurt remains? I'd like to be an optimistic person. I strive toward that end. But when disappointment for time ill spend builds up and surges in a tidal wave of grief over what might have been. . .

The last four years of my life has been spend chasing a dream I had when I was very small -- in two ways actually. Dream one: When I first realized what physicians were and what medicine was I declaired that I wanted to be a doctor! Dream two: I've always thought that I would recognize my future husband from a literal dream I had when I was eight years old.

Dream one: I've worked very hard to succeed in school but am dubious as to how well qualified I am for medical school. To be honest, I'm a little burned out with school and have been for two very long years. But, true to my head-strong nature, I have never once given up on my dream or even on a class. Even when I know that I will need to re-take a class, I put my all into it the first time and chase miracles like they are butterflies in a green meadow. And, just like catching butterflies, I sometimes manage to hold a miricle for a brief moment only to discover that I have crushed its delicate frame in my haste and am forced to discard it. I will never give up, but I do need to take my time and make sure to move carefully toward my destination. I also need to accept that there are countless paths I can take that lead to the same goal. I'm going to begin looking around.

Dream two: I have a blind spot for eligable men. I tend to notice only the guys who are taken. Let me explain; men who are loved by woman and are sure of that love are confident and generous and therefore catch my eye much more often than men who merely hope to be loved. Perhaps its the same for women and that's why I am often overlooked; a wallflower or a shadow in the room. I have come to realize, painfully, that there is no such thing as love at first sight. Love, not some romantic burst of infatuation, only comes to those who carefully plant it in their hearts and cultivate it over time. Love is sharing a history with someone, knowing their past and accepting that they have made individual choices and will continue to do so. I cannot hold onto a dream of a man who existed only in my mind. I will never be happy if I try to place any potential prospect into the tiny mold I have been carrying in my heart. He will invariably be so much more than I can anticipate.

I will not alow my past to dictate my future.
I will accept that every silver lining needs a stormcloud and then get over it.
I will be true to my nature and keep trying even when every indication points to failure because I haven't failed yet.

Friday, June 5, 2009


Last night as I pulled out of my work parking lot to transverse the wide, empty sage-plain of Dugway where wild horses and antelope play I marveled at the sky. It was overcast and wind pushed the clouds overhead at a fantastic speed. I was hungry, tired, and very glad to be heading into my three-day weekend. (Every week has a three day weekend because we work 10 hour days and most people commute at least 2-3 hours a day.) As I drove the dusty path all of my suppressed thoughts about the day bubbled up to the surface and demanded attention.

So I called my little brother.

Bill graduated Wednesday night and went off to a late grad party at the high school. He must have picked up friends because he borrowed the 15 passenger family van that I usually drive. I know this because as I was leaving for work, at the brisk hour of 5:30am, my gas tank was full instead of half empty. My heart was full too. It really made my day. :-)

Next on my list of consideration was the *enormous* cow I saw on my drive to work. Coming up on it I noticed an entire herd of cows grazing by the side of the road. This was nothing new but I slowed down anyway so as not to startle the cows when I passed. Then, in the middle of road, I noticed a black mountain of flesh. A huge, unlucky cow was sprawled out in the middle of road. Its body spanned an entire lane and its head was resting at least 12 inches into the other lane; its tongue lolling, its massive chest having fallen for the last time. I'm not sure if it was the victim of a hit and run, a drive-by, or if it simply decided to expire in the middle of the rural highway but it was seriously hogging the road.

I considered getting out and shifting it off to the side of the road but then I remembered two things: super-human strength is not one of my mutations and I wouldn't get to wash my hands until I arrived at my office about 30 minutes from that point. So, I did what any other regular, sanitary person would do: I drove by and avoided running over its head.

Dearly beloved. We gather together this fine summer mooo-rning to moooo-rn the loss of Bessy Heifer who lived big and loved big. May she rest in peace amongst the sweet grass of the heavens. Amen.

The thought of driving two hours back to Provo was not very appealing and with love on my mind I decided to head home to Erda instead. Passing through Tooele on the way it was only natural to pay Adam a visit. It's been nearly two years since I've made that stop. Every time the thought enters my mind something else always takes its place.

"Why stop there when I am always with you?"

Adam has many more neighbors compared to the last time I saw that plot of green grass. His headstone is weather-worn and only a few of the coins we left as "tips" have endured. Although it was only a brief visit, it was long enough to conjure up the presence of my baby brother who "Returned with Honor."