Poetry and musings of a zany Mormon girl who is very proud of her Erda roots.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Waking Up

I've been absent from this here bloggy-thing for some time now. You see, when I first began writing I took it for granted as a form of self therapy. When you put an idea down in words it becomes real. When you publish those words they take on a life of their own. When that idea begins to soar the creator can fly.

I felt that all my stories had been told. I thought that I could stay aloft for some time on the updraft.

Recently, two people have reminded me that I still need this form of expression -- for myself and for others.

Since last September I have been experiencing resolution to several long-held dreams. Truly living on my own for the first time. A lovely room in a little house in the Avenues of Salt Lake. Long walks in every season down abored streets. A job in a real hospital. And not just any -- Primary Children's Medical Center! Time to explore. Time to live. Time to grow. Time to become.

The summer sun brought a harsh new dawn of sorts and the dream ended. I had to wake up.

I quit my job, couldn't afford rent without an income, and felt utterly desolate.

As it turns out I need someone to take care of me.

For someone as independent and responsible as I, this is a revelation. Let me make it a declaration: I cannot do it all on my own! I cannot live as an island! I need to accept help as easily as I give it! I need to allow someone else to love me in more than philosophical terms! I have needs and this does not make me broken -- it makes me human!

Sobbing on my father's shoulder one afternoon it became apparent that my family has been my safety net the whole time. Always there to pick up the pieces when I fell apart. Always there to welcome me back and make room. Always there to help me make my dreams come to fruition in earnest.

I believe the family to be sacred. As an active member of the LDS church this principle has molded my perception of the world. The home is a sanctuary. One from which I have attempted to stay away but find myself drawn back to time and again. As the third child of eight with parents who had no idea how to raise so many children, life was not always easy. In fact, I'd consider my childhood to be full of anxieties and stressors with responsibility premature for even my precocious sense of duty. After many years I have learned to forgive and love with all my heart. My family is my greatest joy, my most lasting satisfaction, my refuge. Participating in and working toward creating a family I'd be proud to own for eternity, not just "'Til death do we part," is the most worth while thing I can do with my life.

I believe in love. I believe in a right to choose who I love. I believe in the rights of others to choose who they love. I believe that families have no boundaries. Any group of people who love one another is a family. I do not believe that there are heavenly limits in place for exclusion based on popular terms of morality. Intolerance has no place in my world. I choose to practice charity instead.

I've been thinking a lot about the Eleventh Article of Faith.

 We claim the aprivilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the bdictates of our own cconscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them dworship how, where, or what they may.

I believe in allowing all men to live according to the dictates of their own conscience, just as I believe it is my right to do the same.

I've been doing some reading lately. I just finished The Book of Mormon Girl by Joanna Brooks. She has inspired me to not only to discover my beliefs but to declare my beliefs and how I have come to know them.

Elder Russell M. Ballard in his July 2008 Ensign address Sharing the Gospel Using the Internet encourages the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to spread Truth. I choose to participate in this effort by sharing my stories. While I am a work in progress, I do not claim my thoughts to be the complete Truth. I can only attempt to convey my personal beliefs in the hopes that someone else seeking complete Truth may grow with me.

Now, I make no promise as to how frequently I may get the bug to write. Nor will I keep any sort of agenda. But I will promise to speak my mind. Which I have done all along.

1 comment:

  1. Love it. I hear you about being dependent on other people. Its a pretty humbling feeling. On another note, we need discuss "book of mormon girl". I read it and have been dying to talk about it! Also, I might have a job idea for you....