Poetry and musings of a zany Mormon girl who is very proud of her Erda roots.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


It is not uncommon to receive several compliments a day from the male donors at the plasma center where I work if you happen to be a female. XX chromosomes grant full flirting privileges to any XY who happens to come through our doors. I've never had a problem with an overly ambitions flirt, and generally take their attention as the compliment it is meant to be -- but nothing else.

Tonight a donor had a few things to say that made me stop and listen.

Not because I was interested in him in particular -- he professes to be very much in love with a beautiful girl -- but because of what he said.

It is no secret that I am a social misfit just barely learning how to get along in society. It is also no secret that I have yet to make things "work out" relationship-wise and still have a lot to learn on that front. In observing others who appear to be as equally awkward as I, it has always mystified me that they seem to be able to find other awkward people and make things "work out."

A late night conversation among friends a few years ago stands out as a perfect illustration.

We were talking about how most people fit into a few categories: circle, square, triangle. And, similar to the way tupperware fits together, they can find a match: circle to circle, square to square, and triangle to triangle. Although different, there are many options because these categories are so abundant. Finding a match is pretty easy but might take just a little bit to get the exact right fit.

Some people, however, are like octagons. There aren't very many of them so they seem to find one another, remarkably enough, and that's it! They say, "We're weird so let's get married and be weird together and have weird babies!" Lickity split.

I know that I'm oversimplifying things, but really, I've seen enough couplings of strange people who just work well together to know that this is a true principle of humanity. Trust me.

I've always thought that I fit into the first category. I was just another circle looking for a matching circle in this big world of circles, squares, and triangles. But the more I think about it the more I realize I might be a decagon or, worse, a dodecahedron. At first glance I can be mistaken for a circle, but in reality there are more needs to be fitted. Finding a fit is really difficult.

The donor I spoke to this evening remarked how strange it was that I am a 24 year old Mormon girl with a great smile and pleasant attitude who wasn't married. He was shocked. I gave him my canned answer of, "Oh, you know, I just don't know where to go to meet people." The words tasted like water when you are expecting 7-Up. Just...wrong.

This morning I drove my little sister to the airport. She is reuniting with her hubby who has been training for the last two months in deployment preparation. She was really excited.

During our 20 minute drive we talked. Mostly about me.

She has been mad at me for five months. Ever since I said something insensitive while visiting her at the end of last summer. We talked about it and I apologized, having a little more sympathy now for her condition than when I first offended her. Our conversation opened up a few more of my bottled up issues but shed a little light on some things that people have been telling me for years.

I have high standards when it comes to dating.

The thought finally began to gel this morning.

I suppose that I do.

I never thought that I did.

I know that I have blinders on when it comes to potential dating partners. I never see them until they've exhausted all attempts to get my attention and by that time they don't really want anything more to do with me. Either that, or I form an elaborate attachment to someone with very little base it on and then become disappointed when they don't live up to the imaginary person my mind painted them to be.

I know that I am very judgmental and will dismiss someone from my dating pool if they don't meet up with what I consider some very basic criteria.

"What are those criteria?" you might ask. Well, I suppose I can outline them here, because we all know that I love lists and divulging intimate things about myself.

1.) He must share my interest in and observance of religion.
2.) He must be able to match my level of ambition in all aspects of life and learning.
3.) He must value family.
4.) He must be physically attractive to me.

That's what I look for.

I never thought that it was too much to ask for.

And I still don't think it is too much.

But maybe it is.

Particularly since there is a lot that goes in to each part of the list. Chapters could probably be written on the exact definitions. Chapters that would make lawyers weep.

The arrogant manner in which I dismiss possible matches early on is killing my chances of ever finding a matching decagon. Or circle, if I'm not as weird as I think I am.

I do have a great smile. I am a nice Mormon girl. I have a very liberal sense of humor. I have a lot to offer in a relationship because I have many talents and interests.

But I have so many flaws and insecurities that I have serious doubts in my ability to ever "make things work" with anyone. 

It's not difficult to see that the common element in all my failed attempts at relationships is me.

Maybe the first step is to stop being so introspective.

Maybe it is better to just live in the moment for a little bit and stop thinking so much about the eternal perspective and how everything I do can be used to fulfill specific goals set for personal growth and edification.

Maybe I need to take a closer look at who is already in my life instead of looking toward the somedays of life and what new opportunities may, or may not, be in my future path.


It's only beginning to gel.

I'm by no means close to figuring all of this out in any way that might make sense.

Plus, I just wasted 20 minutes writing about myself.

Dang my introspective nature!

1 comment:

  1. I agree that with you that we tend to be too introspective. And a key to making things work is to not think TOO hard about things... because everything can be spun in a not-so-good way.

    But you'll figure things out. I know it =)