Poetry and musings of a zany Mormon girl who is very proud of her Erda roots.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Warm Body

I was just reading over some of my favorite blogs and I found this post from a few months ago: http://noellc.blogspot.com/2009/09/all-single-ladies.html.

It led me to think about the philosophy of relationships for what they're worth.

It has been said that love is a 50-50 game of give and take. Sometimes you need to be giving 100% because your partner needs you and sometime you need to receive 100% support because you need him/her. Sometimes you need to compromise what you want for the benefit of the relationship and what your partner needs. It evens out over a life time.

That being said, settling never was compromise. Settling is the prostitution of your pride to the lowest bidder. It's giving up your right to be genuinely appreciated and understood for the fleeting comfort of a warm body and a few laughs.

Just remember, time is relative. Your soul has eternity to find its mate.

These are thoughts that have been slowly solidifying for me over the last ten years as I've gone through the teenage armpit of life and have proceeded into my early twenties. Just five years ago I was so emotionally withdrawn from the world that I could not imagine an existence where someone would want to date me. I know this sounds weird -- dating is easy, right? Although I could easily visualize the happy glow of married life, rearing children, and growing old with some nondescript kindred spirit, images of the dating process and courtship were not part of my imaginary repertoire. I hit a wall built of terror and self doubt whenever I tried to peek at that part of my expectant life. This was seriously crippling. My sad, lame dating life was rendered worse than pathetic as it hobbled around on the crutch of self pity and fed me bon bons when I was alone on Friday nights getting fat and old. Only, my dating life was probably too catatonic to eat bon-bons and get fat -- it would have just let the bon-bons dribble down it's chin in a gooey mass of ick. Ew! I just grossed myself out!

So, I bewaied the fact that no one was ever blatantly interested in me and hosted pity parties every Friday night. Sans bon bons.

Then I made some changes.

Tired of looking in the mirror to see myself trapped in the eyes of a timid, lackluster somebody, I determined to break free and become someone worthy of notice.

My body was first, and easiest. A quick operation and I was a new person with more potential than I'd ever had before. I could breath. I could run. I could shop for regularly sized items that didn't require tailoring.

My mind set was a different matter. While I couldn't understand why someone would want to be around me, I knew that there were people I wanted to be around. People who made me feel good to be in their presence. People who accepted me in all my awkwardness and partial insanity. (They wouldn't have stuck around if they knew about the bon-bons.) I focused on letting each individual know how much I appreciated their association -- giving what I could of my self while asking for the kindness of friendship in return.

It was the acknowledgment of this give and take that finally helped me to realize that I had something unique to offer the world. I had myself. My real self. No longer imprisoned within the thick shell of ignorance of my own attributes, I was finally able to begin living.

That's when I started loving myself and gaining an understanding of my individual worth. And so I have determined to wait through the turmoil and bon bon inducing loneliness that occasionally accompanies single life.

It's not that I'm picky. It's because I know myself too well to be satisfied with just a warm body.

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