Poetry and musings of a zany Mormon girl who is very proud of her Erda roots.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Holidays: Sweater Edition

The Holiday Season is upon us. As soon as the first of November rolls around local radio stations turn the dial to Christmas 24/7. Santa's Workshop/Ski Lodge/Fantasy Island/Tower of Doom is erected in one form or another in every mall across the USA. Little Debbie puts out with frosted gingerbread men and fruitcake can be spied at the entrance of your local super-center/grocery store. And let's not forget the inflatable lawn ornaments that also light up, sing songs, and dance for the neighbors.

Ahhh, The Holidays!

The Holidays is the commercial way of saying "Time for Greed and the Giving of Unnecessary Trinkets."

Last year at a work party my parents were each given Eddie Bower mittens with holes in the top to host a windshield scraper handle so that while wearing such an accessory they could de-ice their car windshields whilst keeping their hands toasty warm and fashionable.

Forget about being thankful, promoting peace on earth, or even stuffing your face for Thanksgiving, it's all about Black Friday and Christmas wish lists! Time to map out your fail-safes on how to get loot without getting trampled on the day after Thanksgiving.

This is serious, folks!

It seems like every year we hear stories of how people actually die in pursuit of amazing deals on Black Friday.

*shakes head slowly*

What a waste.

But, no matter how you look at it The Holidays also bring us an undeniable joy that millions revel in every year: the ugly sweaters.

One of the benefits of moving house while my parents are away is that I get to go through all of the "treasures" (trash) that have accumulated around the place and find "new homes in the country" (anyplace but our house) for the most "special" (hoarder nightmare-inducing) items. (I've filled an entire trash can with outdated magazines and other such things that should never have been kept past the month printed on the outside in the first place. Yeesh!)

I'm sorely tempted to go through my parents' wardrobes and find "new homes in the country" (like DI) for some of the more "special" (hideous) items of apparel. 

Off the top of my head I can recall at least five holiday/snow themed sweaters with little bits and pieces sewed in place to create a 3-D diorama of holiday cheer to be show-cased on one's body. There is even a snowman sweater vest with pom-poms.

Dad, you're off the hook: they all belong to Mom.

Her favorites are the sweaters featuring bright red male cardinals in snowy tree-tops. The scenes of whimsy woven into synthetic montages of winter will truly bring a tear to your eye.

No, really, they will make you cry.

Either with horrible shame of acknowledging that such an item of apparel exists or the I-am-going-to-pee-my-pants-any-second tears of blindly searching for the nearest restroom before dissolving on the floor type of tear which brings a different flavor of shame.

This place (www.buyuglysweaters.com) is a haven for the ugly sweaters of the world. They help find "new homes in the country" (um...or city) for the closet out casts that take form of over-the-head, button up, zippered, turtle-necked, cowl-necked, sweater vests, or any other types of sweaters representing The Holidays.

Now, how to send in a few "donations" (things I'd rather not see my mom wear this holiday season) without her noticing...

I'm not sure that it can be done. She will simply replace anything that goes missing with something new to add to the collection.

*shakes head slowly*

What a waste of pom poms.

No comments:

Post a Comment