Poetry and musings of a zany Mormon girl who is very proud of her Erda roots.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Waiting Game

I've never been a patient person.

Once my mind is set, I want to go about making everything happen in the order that suits my logic. No room for deviation because everything must happen -- Bam! Bam! Bam! -- in order and on time.

When I was 18 it dawned on me that patience is one of my weak points.

So, I prayed for lessons to teach me how to strengthen this shortcoming; knowing full well that my prayers would be answered and also knowing that I wouldn't like it very much.

Looking back over the five years gone passed since I bowed my head, squeezed my eyes shut and muttered that prayer, I can see many instances when my patience has been tried. Most of the time I became frustrated and stamped my little foot declaring, "Unfair, world!" In fact, I became quite sick and depressed over many of the roadblocks that inhibited progression on my chosen paths, unable to see the trail made clear by a simple change in perspective.

Lacking the ability to trust myself enough go with my heart and trust the Lord, I thought that I was failing Him by my apparent lack of ability to accomplish things which seemed simple for other people. I blamed others for my faults and picked at their motes while simultaneously smacking them around with my beam. It's all related to an impatient attitude.

These last few months have given me knew perspective on waiting.

There are so many things that I want but the timing is all wrong. Whether the distance between where I am and where I want to be is geographical, social, monetary, or related to time and experience the truth is that I'm not there yet and cannot be there right now. I must set up foundations on which I can accomplish my goals and now is the time to make sure those foundations are strong and sure.

The foundation is me.

The foundation is my perspective.

The foundation is the way in which I treat others.

The foundation is the way in which I react to situations.

The foundation is my relationship with Jesus Christ.

Looking back at times when I got hung up on road blocks that didn't need to exist I am devastated to note the people who were hurt by my shortsightedness; my need to fulfill goals immediately despite impossibility.

Since I cannot go back and apologize for every instance in which I was a disappointment, made a brash exclamation, or somehow failed, the only thing I can offer is to wait for new opportunities and then attempt to patiently wait for understanding before acting.

Maybe I'll have such an opportunity tomorrow!
Or maybe I will wait for my chance to come to me and pray that I will recognize it when it does come.

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