Poetry and musings of a zany Mormon girl who is very proud of her Erda roots.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Just Drop the Shoe Already

Everything is going right today. Not only that, but things look fun and busy for the next two weeks. My favorite combination!

However, I can't help but feel as though I should expect the other shoe to drop. Whenever my life has seemed to be going someplace good, there is always the inevitable set back that negates whatever joy I have just experienced and causes me to doubt whether I deserve to be happy.

Times that ought to be enjoyed are generally spent attempting to glimpse the niggling feeling of certain demise that tickles the back of my conscious mind. Simply stated: I have a hard time enjoying myself when things seem too perfect.

I also can't sleep in a completely tidy room -- I throw laundry on the floor just to upset things a little.

But, perhaps the brakes can be applied early in this case; perhaps the ride can be enjoyed without predicting a steep cliff that ends in sharp rocks and angry waves.

A recent conversation with a close friend brought to mind something I had told her several weeks ago: I can choose not to play the victim.


I said that?


It's true, though. If my wandering eye is only seeking to find loose threads with which I can unravel my life and then pity myself while wringing helpless hands, then of course that's all I will see. If, however, I choose to turn the view toward an endless horizon of possibility, then all I can possibly find is rising sun and new wonders just waiting to be discovered. It's a matter of perspective.

Perspective seems to be on my mind a lot lately. Probably because it seems to be a new thing that I'm starting to "get." Tunnel vision usually prevents seeing anything but the totally obvious, and even then really big things can be missed or mistaken as only part of the whole.

I've ruined a lot of opportunities with amazing potential by not seeing them for what they were. I can't turn back time. I can't rewrite the pitiful script of self doubt that is my life to this point. But I can start acting the role of leading lady in my own life. I can choose to be the heroine, not the victim. 

This is going to take some practice.  

Now, where did I place that sense of adventure?

It's time to cut the strings that suspend a heavy shoe over my happiness.

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